Testimony

I was thinking the other day about architecture. When I studied art history, architecture was my favorite part because while it was about art, it was also about what could and couldn't be done and how a building could be built.

The early square arches of the druids then early greeks could not span large distances because stone has good compressive strength, but very poor tensile strength. Thus, many pillars were needed to hold up stone roofs. By contrast, early wood constructions could be quite expansive inside because wood is light and has tremendous tensile strength for its weight.

Of course in time, the arch was constructed allowing people to span great widths with only compressive force. Eventually, tall cathedrals with huge pointed arches had both large expanses and lots of light. Then, with the addition of steel and concrete, huge skyscrapers could be built with a skelleton of support structures that can withstand the loss of any one support, strikes by airplanes, and even earthquakes. Only prolonged structural trauma can bring it down.

I wonder to what extent our testimonies are like buildings. There are certain similarities of needing weight bearing vertical pillars and something to stretch between them to shelter us from doubt and competing ideas as well as wandering in error, making all the old mistakes rather than learning from those of others. But still I think testimonies are as different in structure as buildings are. Some are built on a series of pillars that must be strung close together and can each support tremendous weight. "The prophet speaks for God", "The prophet will not lead us astray", "The book of mormon is true", etc. The testimony requires a firm certainty of all of the minutia of the gospel to stand. Thus, they must believe firmly that God wanted to keep the priesthood from the blacks until 1978 and not a moment sooner.

I don't know that my testimony was ever built like that, but I'm certain that isn't what it is like now, and I doubt I could go back to that kind.

I read somewhere that truths like "3+5=8" and "there is a personal God concerned with my daily affairs" trigger the same paths of the brain and are equally certain to people that believe them. Neither of them are beliefs or axioms, they are rock solid truths, at least to that individual. My problem is I think that part of my mind died some years ago. Not just the part concerning matters of faith but the whole part concerning certainty. I've heard enough about number theory to realize that "3+5=8" comes from a series of conventions about what numbers represent, the rules of addition and the meaning of equality.

This leaves, "knowing there is a God", as a rather difficult proposition because, I don't really believe in knowing. I believe there is a God or at the very least a higher sense of morality. I live my life according to this assumption not just because it is real, but also because I believe it will lead to greater overall happiness for me in this life. The literal reality of God is neither as certain nor as important to my faith as to others. I am Christian because the ideal of a God willing to sacrifice himself to show mercy to all people is the most compelling myth I have ever heard. It is something I can hope to be true, and to paraphrase Alma, that hope can grow into abiding faith which strengthens me to act as I believe that God would have me act. It is eventually as real in how I go about my daily actions as the rising and setting of the Sun, not because it is equally literally true, but because it is equally valuable in shaping my decisions and bringing happiness to myself and those around me.

In this way I feel like my testimony is perhaps more like a cathedral or a skyscraper. I am hesitant to make this statement because I think it can be misperceived as suggesting that my testimony is somehow better than the more traditional one. I certainly don't believe that. I simply mean that my testimony rests on a distributed structure of supports that are marked more by their practicality than their reality. I can easily accept flaws in the church or its leaders because the whole of the Gospel means so much to me.

What is difficult for me is when I feel that people are trying to compell my actions based on a testimony structure that I neither have nor desire. The insistance that I should do something or at least refrain from things, because the prophet says so, and I claim to believe in this Church. Of course I love, honor and praise the prophet. I have learned so much good from his teachings and they have helped me to be a better person. But I don't agree with all that he says. When people insist that I fall in line and question my testimony, I feel like they are walking around my cathedral yelling at me for not having a large pillar in the center chamber while kicking at the seemingly delicate and superfluous flying buttresses around the outside. I think they want to strengthen me and make me more like them in their faith, but they don't realize that instead they are chipping at the plain and precious truths of my testimony until I feel like I am scrambling to shore them up in the hopes that the whole thing won't fall down.

It has of late been a time for sacrifice, battle and struggle. I hope that this peaked time of struggle is coming to at least a brief hiatus in the near future. I pray that months of forgiveness and rebuilding are shortly upon us and that the scars of todays battles will be soothed and cleansed in His blood that the brotherhood of the church may be strong and I can feel comfortable and confidant in my place once again.