The following post is about my own struggles with the particular issue of the church's view on same sex marriage and on homosexuality in general. The feelings expressed were reached after much personal struggle, and while I do not claim that they are perfect even for myself, they are the ones that bring me the most personal peace.
Please bear in mind that these are my own feelings and I take complete responsibility for them as they apply to my own life. However, please do not take them to as direction for others. There are points where I dramatically disagree with church policy, doctrine, and perhaps even God. If you find the church's explanation satisfying and fulfilling then please follow the leaders and not me. They are far more qualified than I am and better able to lead others.
On the other hand this is a defense of my own feelings and why I disagree. All are welcome to read this post and consider it. Perhaps for some it will help them not resolve their issues but live with the lack of resolution. If it helps people continue in the faith and know that others share the same struggles then I will consider it very successful.
Also, please know that I have read the church positions on the manner extensively. I appreciate the concern of well meaning people who would like to explain the doctrine to me, but I have gone down that path before. It generally results in my being more frustrated and less inclined to maintain fellowship with the saints I love. I have no desire to leave that fellowship, so please treat me as you would a brother who just couldn't give up coffee. Accept me and know that like you I am trying to move forward in the faith in God.
The most important thing (for me) that I have learned from my current stake president is "Don't let the things you don't understand distract you from what you know is true." The things I know to be true and the ones I don't understand may be different from yours, but I am trying to make peace with them and move forward.
Finally, this post was originally written while I was rather frustrated. There is an extra honesty in that, but I'm certain the frustration also comes through. It is at times profane and perhaps disrespectful. If this bothers you please do not read it.
Lee
I got into something of a heated argument with my brother in law today. It was about Gay Marriage and the Church's stance on it. It began with him criticizing how "they" (meaning those that support gay marriage and anoying me since I'm a part of "they", but that is just assumed to not be the case) "want to make it a civil right issue".
Well, it was in my car and I felt I should not have to censor my tongue in my own car. So I spoke up that it is a civil rights issue. Then he switched to the fact that the First Presidency had come out opposed to it, and I countered that they had also once said that the blacks wouldn't get the priesthood until the millenium. Anyway, it went back and forth until I just told him to drop it in my car. He appologized and it ended, but it did get me to thinking.
Many of the people in the church who support gay marriage do so purely on a secular basis, and I think a lot of people assume that is where my support begins and ends too. That I agree it is a sin in God's eyes, but that we should allow people the civil right because they have no obligation to believe as we do. It is true that I believe that, and I usually start conversations on the matter there. Usually, that is as far as it needs to go, but when they bring in the religious element I have to go there to. The truth is my opinion goes far beyond that, and even beyond telling the church they should accept gay marriage. One person asked me today if I was trying to tell the church they had to accept gay marriage and I said "No, I'm telling God that." They told me I would probably lose that battle and I said that yes I would. But I decided a long time ago that I would rather go to hell with my integrity intact than heaven without it.
Of course, I don't really mean to presume to tell God what to do. Rather I judge God against my expectations of a deity and choose to believe that he matches something I am comfortable worshiping. Which brings me to the title of the post. Most christians believe that the command to sacrifice Isaac was a test and God never intended Isaac to be sacrificed, but there is a darker side there. The comand was in express contradiction to previous comandments. What is more, within our church we often say that God is God because he obeys his own comandments, yet here he is clearly contradicting them. If the knife had fallen would he still be God? Certainly, if anyone were to sacrifice their child today on the full faith and belief that it was God's commandment, we would not allow it or give any credance to the possibility that it ever was God's commandment. Still within our scripture is a case where it clearly was.
The problem is even more complicated in the invasion of Canaan. Here we have a scriptoral account of a genecide that is endorsed by God. How can we walk around proclaiming the evils of modern genecide while teaching about the great faith that it took to participate in this one. The only thing aparently that separates the one in the old testament from the modern ones is that the invasion of Canaan "really was" ordered by God.
I find this to be a serious problem. I don't know about the 9-11 plotters, but I suspect that most of the hijackers really believed they were acting according to God's will. I think they could have born testimony to the fact and stated that they "knew it was true" with as much conviction as we see in testimony meeting. Of course I don't believe that God really condoned their action, but they precedent is there in scripture. There is a logic to their belief. The children of Israel believed they were acting according to God's will as they slaughtered men, women, and children among the people of Canaan and the 9-11 hijackers believed the same thing. It's how they could live with themselves as they committed heinous acts.
Unfortunately, this puts us in a quandry. Either we believe that the children of Israel were right, the hijackers were wrong, and trust to our leaders to make certain we are always right. Or, we can say BULLSHIT, no God worth his title would order a genecide and we're not going to participate in it if he does.
I don't know or understand what was going on in the old testament account, and I don't want to give up my full testimony because of something I don't understand. But I for one say firmly if God asks me to go sacrafice my children or indiscriminately slaughter men, women, and children my answer will be "You go Fuck Yourself." Personally, I don't believe this is fearing men more than God. Certainly, in such a situation there will be many men presuring me both ways, but that's irrelevant. This is directly saying no to Deity, something I am not at all comfortable with, but I can't worship a God who demands such things. He can do them Himself and I will continue to honor him and accept that I don't understand, but he can't have me do them. He has outlined a set of principles which I love and cherish and strive to live each day, and not even he has the right to ask me step outside of those principles.
It reminds me somewhat of a line in the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" where Balian is burning the bodies of the dead and the Priest tells him that is against God's law. Balian replies, "God will understand, my lord. And if he doesn't, then he is not God and we need not worry." I don't think I ask that much of God, only that he be God. Perhaps I sometimes have insufficient faith. Certainly, I will not always understand his ways, but if he asks me to do something which contradicts my understanding of him, I hope he will forgive me for staying with the principle as I understand it, rather than having faith in the line of communication and acting contrary to my own best judgement of right and wrong.
So, what the hell does this all have to do with gay marriange. Well, it has to do with my belief that yes people are born gay and no they don't have a choice in the matter. I was born hetero and I know both how disgusting I would find a gay relationship. I also know how broken I have felt at times when I did not have a strong meaningful sexual bond. Of course my marriage is more than that, but that is a part of the marriage whose importance to me I can't begin to explain. It is the difference between being broken and being whole; being myself or a struggling image of myself.
So I try to imagine what life would be like in a gay person's shoes. To do this I have to imagine a topsy turvy world where gay relationships are the sanctioned norm. How would I feel in a world where I had to choose between celibacy, a gay relationship, and sin. They are all losing options. I'm certain I would eventually choose sin because it is what would leave me feeling most whole in this life. Returning to our own world after walking those two miles with my gay brothers and sisters, I can't in good conscience sentence them to such a fate, and I don't understand how God can either.
Of course I also have no desire to give up my faith in and love for God. I fully understand that my ways are not his, but also trust that he is omnibenevolent. In my best understanding of the most important parts of the gospel, doing unto others as we would have done unto us, kindness, mercy, forgiveness, I can't support a policy which denies 10 percent of God's children that full measure of fullfillment in this life. Perhaps someday I will understand better. Perhaps we have misunderstood his words and he really does condone gay relationships according to the same restrictions he expects of heteros. (OK, for the record this one is where my personal hope lies.)
I do know I'm tired of hiding my beliefs and living in fear that I will lose the things that are most valuable to me: church membership, a wonderful wife and family, respect of church friends and others, for having them. Still, I can't just abandon them. It is what I believe according to the best principles that make God worth worshiping. If necessary, I take them with me to hell on earth and beyond. I will know that I have been true to myself if to none other. It is better than eternity knowing that the broken hearts of 10% of my bretheren cry out against me.
8 comments:
Excellent post! I especially agree with your statement that you can't worship a God who "does such things". Many atheists have come to such conclusions about so much of what God is purported to have done that they say "for all intents and purposes, the God of Israel and Christianity doesn't (for me) exist." This is compounded by prophets and priests who continue to say "it is all true or it is all false", the bible is the complete word of god, etc.
I find it strange that a congregation's god almost never tells them to accept a stance that is more progressive than the congregation. Why is that? Does God need to be "pulled along"
Again, great post.
What’s wrong with you Lee?
Don't you know that same sex marriage is an abomination in the sight of God and his word says that to agree with sinful evil people is being a partaker of other men's sins therefore the same punishment will be applied. The nation or people that commit abominations will be sent a curse that consists of God sending your enemies upon you and they will kill your sons and daughters, your enemies will eat up all your profits and get rich because of your sinfulness, God will send hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, Fire, Famine, and disease. If this will not turn your heart he will then sent a curse seven times worse until you are utterly destroyed. This is to let you know because many are being destroyed even now this curse has been in effect for a while and God wants sinners to know why these things are coming upon them. He wants to give all men the opportunity to repent and be saved. These things will increase on the nations and people that war with him and they will know the wrath of the Lamb, for he will break them to pieces like a piece of pottery cast upon a rock, his fire will purge and clean every evil from the face of the earth and many shall flee to caves and hide from his presence crying out for the rocks to fall on them.
Just kidding. Bravo, I applaud you.
You have guts. As a convert, raised in a family who taught me that differences should be embraced and not feared, it's often difficult for me when I find myself surrounded by others who seem to think the total opposite of me. If my in-laws knew of my democratic values, I'd never hear the end of it. It's frightening to sometimes reveal true feelings or beliefs if they're contrary to those of the church. I often find myself fearful of being deemed a little crazy for my "liberal" views by more conservative church members. I'd also like to think God would appreciate my compassion and ability to be tolerant and accepting of all his children, no matter what they are or aren't. Glad they are other members with views like yours.
PS, this is Danielle Locken. Check out our blog!
Glad to see you D. How did you find my blog. I write pieces like this mostly for myself because I hate hiding my feelings. But it was also written for others whose personal feelings and beliefs may not sit completely square with church doctrine or culture. I hope I can help them feel a little more comfortable knowing that some of us hang around because we love the whole of the doctrine even if we don't believe in or violently disagree with parts.
BTW, how did you find my blog.
I just wanted to add a link to my dad's blog. He talks about the marriage of two wonderful gay men. To me, as it does to him, this illustrates why Gay marriage should be allowed. http://too-old-to-know-better.blogspot.com/2008/08/congratulations-to-happy-couple.html
Yes, it may not be the perfect image of the plan of happiness and eternal marriage, but in this case it is the closest approximation to it that these two men can hope for in this life, and it is a far cry closer than many hetero marriages. I can't believe that God would prefer that these two men live celibate instead.
I'm glad that this link made your essay available for me to read. I'm sure I'll be re-reading too. You have done extensive research on this and I appreciate your points. I've come to some similar conclusions and have been molded by my fundamental Mormon roots, i loooooove my devout parents and the gospel we have always crafted our lives around, there's plenty of "good fruit" proved by the works. It's been a blessing, much like your Dad and his same sex couple friends, to know of incredible families that are seriously making it happen. I'm thankful to have met and witnessed a sweet couple not only come together in marriage, but carefully lovingly accept 4 children into their care through adoption. All 4 of these kids had difficult cases, but these women have been miracle workers in dealing with the mental, physical, spiritual (yes they also go to church) health of these beautiful little kids. Interesting that it took the investment I felt in their family life to open my eyes to the need they were filling, and happiness it brought. I do not want to make their hard road needlessly harder. They were first in my life but not last. I've met other WONDERFUL families who are under societies microscope and I see them surviving, thriving and acting "Christian" in much of what I see. like you, I don't personally choose a gay lifestyle. I kind of wonder if it's becoming trendy. Is that dumb? I don't know.... but this life is a continual process. The Lord certainly wants our obedience and devotion but also our thoughtful considerate minds, our growth. I can put my vote with Jessica: let's love others and get on with feeding the hungry and tending the sick. The big distraction can fade and we can get on with fulfilling the needs that are always asking for more time and attention :) woohoo!!
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