Sacrificing Isaac; Invading Canaan

I believe that all members of an organization must sometimes deal with cognitive disonance between their own beliefs and those of the organization. Sometimes it has to do with disonance between different aspects of the organizations beliefs.

The following post is about my own struggles with the particular issue of the church's view on same sex marriage and on homosexuality in general. The feelings expressed were reached after much personal struggle, and while I do not claim that they are perfect even for myself, they are the ones that bring me the most personal peace.

Please bear in mind that these are my own feelings and I take complete responsibility for them as they apply to my own life. However, please do not take them to as direction for others. There are points where I dramatically disagree with church policy, doctrine, and perhaps even God. If you find the church's explanation satisfying and fulfilling then please follow the leaders and not me. They are far more qualified than I am and better able to lead others.

On the other hand this is a defense of my own feelings and why I disagree. All are welcome to read this post and consider it. Perhaps for some it will help them not resolve their issues but live with the lack of resolution. If it helps people continue in the faith and know that others share the same struggles then I will consider it very successful.

Also, please know that I have read the church positions on the manner extensively. I appreciate the concern of well meaning people who would like to explain the doctrine to me, but I have gone down that path before. It generally results in my being more frustrated and less inclined to maintain fellowship with the saints I love. I have no desire to leave that fellowship, so please treat me as you would a brother who just couldn't give up coffee. Accept me and know that like you I am trying to move forward in the faith in God.

The most important thing (for me) that I have learned from my current stake president is "Don't let the things you don't understand distract you from what you know is true." The things I know to be true and the ones I don't understand may be different from yours, but I am trying to make peace with them and move forward.

Finally, this post was originally written while I was rather frustrated. There is an extra honesty in that, but I'm certain the frustration also comes through. It is at times profane and perhaps disrespectful. If this bothers you please do not read it.

Lee

I got into something of a heated argument with my brother in law today. It was about Gay Marriage and the Church's stance on it. It began with him criticizing how "they" (meaning those that support gay marriage and anoying me since I'm a part of "they", but that is just assumed to not be the case) "want to make it a civil right issue".

Well, it was in my car and I felt I should not have to censor my tongue in my own car. So I spoke up that it is a civil rights issue. Then he switched to the fact that the First Presidency had come out opposed to it, and I countered that they had also once said that the blacks wouldn't get the priesthood until the millenium. Anyway, it went back and forth until I just told him to drop it in my car. He appologized and it ended, but it did get me to thinking.

Many of the people in the church who support gay marriage do so purely on a secular basis, and I think a lot of people assume that is where my support begins and ends too. That I agree it is a sin in God's eyes, but that we should allow people the civil right because they have no obligation to believe as we do. It is true that I believe that, and I usually start conversations on the matter there. Usually, that is as far as it needs to go, but when they bring in the religious element I have to go there to. The truth is my opinion goes far beyond that, and even beyond telling the church they should accept gay marriage. One person asked me today if I was trying to tell the church they had to accept gay marriage and I said "No, I'm telling God that." They told me I would probably lose that battle and I said that yes I would. But I decided a long time ago that I would rather go to hell with my integrity intact than heaven without it.

Of course, I don't really mean to presume to tell God what to do. Rather I judge God against my expectations of a deity and choose to believe that he matches something I am comfortable worshiping. Which brings me to the title of the post. Most christians believe that the command to sacrifice Isaac was a test and God never intended Isaac to be sacrificed, but there is a darker side there. The comand was in express contradiction to previous comandments. What is more, within our church we often say that God is God because he obeys his own comandments, yet here he is clearly contradicting them. If the knife had fallen would he still be God? Certainly, if anyone were to sacrifice their child today on the full faith and belief that it was God's commandment, we would not allow it or give any credance to the possibility that it ever was God's commandment. Still within our scripture is a case where it clearly was.

The problem is even more complicated in the invasion of Canaan. Here we have a scriptoral account of a genecide that is endorsed by God. How can we walk around proclaiming the evils of modern genecide while teaching about the great faith that it took to participate in this one. The only thing aparently that separates the one in the old testament from the modern ones is that the invasion of Canaan "really was" ordered by God.

I find this to be a serious problem. I don't know about the 9-11 plotters, but I suspect that most of the hijackers really believed they were acting according to God's will. I think they could have born testimony to the fact and stated that they "knew it was true" with as much conviction as we see in testimony meeting. Of course I don't believe that God really condoned their action, but they precedent is there in scripture. There is a logic to their belief. The children of Israel believed they were acting according to God's will as they slaughtered men, women, and children among the people of Canaan and the 9-11 hijackers believed the same thing. It's how they could live with themselves as they committed heinous acts.

Unfortunately, this puts us in a quandry. Either we believe that the children of Israel were right, the hijackers were wrong, and trust to our leaders to make certain we are always right. Or, we can say BULLSHIT, no God worth his title would order a genecide and we're not going to participate in it if he does.

I don't know or understand what was going on in the old testament account, and I don't want to give up my full testimony because of something I don't understand. But I for one say firmly if God asks me to go sacrafice my children or indiscriminately slaughter men, women, and children my answer will be "You go Fuck Yourself." Personally, I don't believe this is fearing men more than God. Certainly, in such a situation there will be many men presuring me both ways, but that's irrelevant. This is directly saying no to Deity, something I am not at all comfortable with, but I can't worship a God who demands such things. He can do them Himself and I will continue to honor him and accept that I don't understand, but he can't have me do them. He has outlined a set of principles which I love and cherish and strive to live each day, and not even he has the right to ask me step outside of those principles.

It reminds me somewhat of a line in the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" where Balian is burning the bodies of the dead and the Priest tells him that is against God's law. Balian replies, "God will understand, my lord. And if he doesn't, then he is not God and we need not worry." I don't think I ask that much of God, only that he be God. Perhaps I sometimes have insufficient faith. Certainly, I will not always understand his ways, but if he asks me to do something which contradicts my understanding of him, I hope he will forgive me for staying with the principle as I understand it, rather than having faith in the line of communication and acting contrary to my own best judgement of right and wrong.

So, what the hell does this all have to do with gay marriange. Well, it has to do with my belief that yes people are born gay and no they don't have a choice in the matter. I was born hetero and I know both how disgusting I would find a gay relationship. I also know how broken I have felt at times when I did not have a strong meaningful sexual bond. Of course my marriage is more than that, but that is a part of the marriage whose importance to me I can't begin to explain. It is the difference between being broken and being whole; being myself or a struggling image of myself.

So I try to imagine what life would be like in a gay person's shoes. To do this I have to imagine a topsy turvy world where gay relationships are the sanctioned norm. How would I feel in a world where I had to choose between celibacy, a gay relationship, and sin. They are all losing options. I'm certain I would eventually choose sin because it is what would leave me feeling most whole in this life. Returning to our own world after walking those two miles with my gay brothers and sisters, I can't in good conscience sentence them to such a fate, and I don't understand how God can either.

Of course I also have no desire to give up my faith in and love for God. I fully understand that my ways are not his, but also trust that he is omnibenevolent. In my best understanding of the most important parts of the gospel, doing unto others as we would have done unto us, kindness, mercy, forgiveness, I can't support a policy which denies 10 percent of God's children that full measure of fullfillment in this life. Perhaps someday I will understand better. Perhaps we have misunderstood his words and he really does condone gay relationships according to the same restrictions he expects of heteros. (OK, for the record this one is where my personal hope lies.)

I do know I'm tired of hiding my beliefs and living in fear that I will lose the things that are most valuable to me: church membership, a wonderful wife and family, respect of church friends and others, for having them. Still, I can't just abandon them. It is what I believe according to the best principles that make God worth worshiping. If necessary, I take them with me to hell on earth and beyond. I will know that I have been true to myself if to none other. It is better than eternity knowing that the broken hearts of 10% of my bretheren cry out against me.

Long Posts

Am I always this verbose?!? I had a mission companion who used to write his letters home on the back of a single Far Side Cartoon while I filled 2-3 pages, often both sides. Funny thing was when I read them they really did describe the same week. Well, at least here if you want me to shut up you can just stop readi . . .

First Gospel Doctrine Class

Well, this Sunday I taught my first Gospel Doctrine class. It went fairly well. I spent the first 20 minutes handing out assignments to various class groups to read and discuss. I didn't really bring enough copies and enough students were confused by the whole read and discuss in small groups thing that it wasn't working optimally yet, but I felt that it helped get more people involved and discussing.

The bigger issue is with microphones. You see our ward has recently merged with a few others and become much larger. Thus, we are holding sunday school in the chapel. The chapel is a great room for a lecture, but not much of one for a discussion. This is especially true when one third of the class resides in Leisure World. I pushed hard to get a microphone for class discussion and managed to get one with a long cord. Unfortunately, the runner struggled to keep moving from one part of the room to another, and the cord could easily get tangled.

Finally, I got fed up with it and took my own mic off to share with others. This, was perhaps a bit irreverant because they had wired the thing inside my shirt and hurring to take it out was probably the biggest flash of undergarments ever displayed in that chapel (i.e. 2 seconds of a T-shirt). Still I think it helped as I could work one side of the room while the runner could work the other with the corded mic.

There were still some that resisted using the mic insisting that they could project, and several of them did project fairly well, but as I said we have a significant contingent using hearing aides, and projecting simply isn't the same as using a microphone, especially for that group.

I think what I found most frustrating was afterwards when one of the other teachers said he prefered having the teacher repeat comments. He can do that if he likes, but I absolutely hate the idea. You can never repeat someone's comment precisely so it is always a filtering of the comment through the teacher. His point however, was that the microphone formalizes what should be a spontaneous discussion. I agree but I think filtering through the teacher lessens the discussion aspect even more.

Anyway, I'm hoping to have greater success in the future. I fully plan to continue using as many mics as I can get including my own, but I also tossed out the idea to split into two sunday school classes. That of course is not my decision, but it could aide discussion.

A New Teaching Experience

I have been surprised of late that I still get called to go in to substitute positions. For those that don't know, I have spent the last several years substitute teaching for both Long Beach Unified School District and Kelly Educational Services. Summer school positions in Long Beach are quite coveted and competitive, and most of the substitute teaching is done by those that are full time teachers during the regular school year. So I don't get any work there.

However, apparently, several of the schools that Kelly Educational Services contracts with run summer school. I have limited the schools that I accept jobs from to those south of the 10 freeway which keeps me within about 25 miles of home. (I used to get jobs in the valley (San Gabriel Valley, a lesser known part of LA, at least to those outside of LA) but then I spent almost as much in gas as I made at the job.) Still I got a job today and it was within my limits so I took it.

It was litterally in South Central LA. Actually, I turned on South Central Street just before I reached my final destination. The school is inside a converted house, has exactly two classrooms, and is a continuation school. One of my first shocks was when I saw a hand metal detector on the counselors desk (you know the ones they batton you with at the airport if your buckle or hairclip is too big, no I don't wear hairclips and I take my belt off, but you get the point). Then I noticed the front door was locked before school and found out the students were searched before being admitted. Later in the day a student came in late saying he had been talking with his P.O. (that's patrol officer, not post office) and I found out the most of the students had P.O.s.

(I can just hear my various cousins gasps right now. I remember one who asked me in near horror once if Long Beach was really as scarry as in the movie "Freedom Writers". I haven't seen the movie, but I have lived three doors from the school where it takes place and, no, I never found it scary at all. The worst events were when we had to ask high school students not to smoke in our driveway (they complied) or when the half drunk college student came over to offer me a beer (I politely declined). Really it was just a neighborhood with people like any other.)

And the students in this class were really pretty tame. No they didn't hunker right down and get to work like I would hope. And I was a bit off my game so I didn't keep them as well on task as I would like. But there was never a point that I felt in danger and while I did send a student out for being disrespectful, it was more that I needed to make a point to the class than that that student was particularly bad. (In fact until that point she had been one of the more dedicated students, but I can't have students in my face telling me to hurry up either.) All in all it was a fairly successful day. I can't say that I feel particularly talented working with this group of students or that helping wayward students is where I feel my calling, but I was glad to do a small piece for one day.

A trip to Albuquerque

Well this week I had what was probably the most elaborate interview I have ever had. It was an interview at Sandia National Laboratory and don't ask me what the job is because

1. It's not entirely certain. I interviewed with three different managers and was asked to rank them in the order of whose group sounded most interesting.
2. I don't really know. Most of the work done at Sandia is classified at a level that is beyond my own. As a result they could only give me rather vague details about the job. Even if I had the necessary clearance they probably would not have given me much information because until I actually start working, I don't have the required "Need to Know.
3. Even if they had told me I couldn't publish it in a blog. Publishing classified material would almost certainly land me in federal prison.

All I really do know is that while maintenance of the U.S. nuclear arsenal is near half 0f what they do at Sandia, the positions I am applying for is not in that area. It would be technical support for ground processing of satellite data.

It was an interesting experience because I had to be badged at the beginning, couldn't bring in any electrical devices (a car clicker was OK, but cell phones, cameras, disks, thumb drives, pda's, etc. were all out), and I had to be escorted everywhere I went. They were certainly excited about having me come work with them, and they made every effort to encourage me to come. I was flown out and put up in a nice hotel with a rental car that was pretty cool. (Mitsubishi Spyder Convertable). They took me to two dinners and one lunch, all at rather upscale restaurants. It was also pretty clear that the expectation was that I would accept a job offer and that I would stay at Sandia for my entire career. They talked about how easy it is to move around within the lab, but very little was mentioned about the possibility of ever leaving the lab.

Of course, I suppose the next question is, do I really want to move to Albuquerque. Well, no I don't, but they never asked if I wanted to move to Albuquerque, only if I would be willing to relocate for the right job, and yes I would. It is a high hurdle to meet and it probably got higher this summer since I now have sufficient teaching positions as a freeway flier lined up to support the family. Still I'm certain we could have a very comfortable lifestyle in New Mexico on a Sandia salary, but I also greatly appreciate the community, family support, and excitement of California.

Of course, I never would have even found out about this job if Cerritos had called me back for a second interview. OK, that needs an explanation.

About a month ago, Cerritos College interviewed me for a full time tenure track position in Astronomy and Physics. They planned to do second interviews with the college president and vice-president the next day so I had cleared the day in hopes of an interview. When I didn't get the call back I assumed they had found someone with a stronger Astronomy background and had selected them. So I went with my backup plan and went to a TechExpo, clearance job fair in Los Angeles. I met the Sandia recruiters there and they were excited about my resume, and I was excited about the prospect of actually having a job.

Since then, I found out the Cerritos actually didn't have enough applicants to proceed to hiring, and they offered me 9 units to teach. Cypress has offered me 6 and possibly 9 and LACC has offered me 12. LACC is also looking for a full time tenure track position which I have applied for with strong encouragement from those that will be making the decision. In other words, I have plenty of work for the Fall and will probably make in 4 months almost what I would make in 4 months at Sandia. (I just won't have positions for January or Summer.) I may get a full time position at LACC where I enjoy working. So the situation here in California is much better than when I first found out about working at Sandia. Still, I feel I should at least consider it.

I flew in Wednesday and was taken to dinner by the woman that recruited me and her boss. I got in late so it was a pretty quick rush to the restaurant so I was glad I had worn slacks and a polo shirt on the plane rather than jeans and a T-shirt. Thursday was spent in interviews with many people including the three managers just under the recruiter. In the evening a couple of young employees took me to dinner.

Friday I drove around looking at apartments. If I do take the job I plan to commute either weekly or every other week for the first 4-10 months before trying to bring the family up so I thought I should check out the apartment market. A lot of them offered far more than I need for far more than I want to pay, but I did find one or two places with small apartments for cheap. There was one neighborhood that advertised fully furnished One-bedroom apartments for under $500 a month, but when someone told me they sometimes rent those out daily I started to get concerned. (No they weren't executive suites.)

I was actually a bit turned off by the talk of which areas were good and bad parts of town. No I don't really want to live in a bad neighborhood, but I am highly tolerant and the line between wise advice about good parts of town and elitism is very thin. (On a slightly related note, a relative of ours was recently concerned about getting us out of the "Ghetto" we live in. For the record, I don't think I could live in any "better" neighborhood than I currently do. I would probably vomit.)

I did see one house in a neighborhood I liked that had just sold for about 1/2 of what we could probably get for our house. That was a bit tempting.

Anyway, that's probably more than any of you wanted to know, but hey, you didn't have to keep reading. I haven't made any decisions yet and I'm keeping my eyes and oportunities open.

The Never-Ending 4th

I know that title sounds like a complaint. In reality our 4th of July (which continued into the 5th) was quite amazing, but it did wear me out.

We started the celebration with Atherton Ward's anual patriotic program and flag raising. The program part was moved inside this year, I think in part because we have added Leisure World to our ward and so the number who couldn't easily move around outside was greatly increased. We did go outside for the actual flag raising. First they started to raise the flag upside down, and even when they got it straightened out, the flag they used was worn well beyond its years. It is time for it to be burned. (Wait except the speaker mentioned how inappropriate it is to burn flags, but double wait that is the prescribed method for disposing of an old flag. I'm sure I could go on at great length about the problems with trying to use the blunt knife of law to control personal actions and in the end harming appropriate actions, but I'm trying to be upbeat. The speaker was in fact excelent.)

After the flag-raising we headed off for our usual Friday morning at Seal Beach. Perry finally got a chance to try out his boogie board with both the wetsuit and the waves. It was a much better experience for him than last time. I managed to catch a few good waves myself (body surfing) but they were really hard to catch that day. Great waves if you got them, but moving fast so they were hard to get without fins.

Next we headed over to the Ludloff's for a fabulous barbeque.

Finally, Perry and I packed up and headed for a BIG 4th of July Celebration at Blair Field. It was cubscout day at the Long Beach Armada (local independent league baseball team). It was originally billed as having the game, fireworks, a movie, a campout, breakfast, and a baseball clinic with the players. Unfortunately, Long Beach only gives out 3 fireworks permits at a time and Blair Field didn't make the cut on the 4th. Then the movie was called off because the equipment wasn't working right. (Too bad since I had wanted to introduce Perry to "Follow Me Boys".) So we had missed the fireworks, and the movie, and as another father pointed out to me, when the score is 10 to 0, it'a questionable if there really was a baseball game. (The Calgary Vipers just don't seem to be very good.)

It was for the best though. The game went long so we weren't setting up until 11:00. I don't know how we would have ever seen the movie. They gave us free tickets to the next nights gave to see the fireworks. It was the best place to camp out I've ever been (perfectly flat ground with nice if firm grass everywhere). And the baseball clinic went very well. (I even finally learned the difference between the strech and the wind up.) Perry, who often complains about having to do sports stuff, trotted off excitedly to every different activity and seemed to have a great time.

When we finally got home I barely had time to mow lawns before we headed off to the Brimley's for a pool party and barbeque. Then in the evening I took Perry and Libby to the next game and fireworks show. Neither of them could really watch the whole game, but between frozen lemonade and the various places around the field that kids can run around they both did great. Perry met a new friend and had as he put it, "my best game of catch ever". He was so excited to introduce me to this new friend that I had to go over to the parents and exchange phone numbers. The fireworks were good, but nothing amazing. When we finally got home it was 10 and I just had time to get the kids in bed before crashing myself. Staci was off watching a movie with friends and I was dead to the world by the time she came home.

Anyway, as I said, it was one heck of a 4th of July.

Summer's End

I know, I know, summer only started 11 days ago, but the summer school class that I've been teaching ended today. It was actually a real whirl-wind class, starting the day after Memorial Day and ending today, two days before the 4th of July. It was actually a fun class to teach. It was a conceptual physics class which meant I had to try and teach everything with minimal math. That is a good challenge for me and a good intro for the students. Those that only wanted a survey have been exposed to a lot of physics and those that are going on now have a basic conceptual understanding on which to build the mathematical framework. Still it was a bit like trying to Shakespear in unmetered Spanish. Much of the beauty is lost and it is awkward. I had to study a lot more than usual for lectures not because I didn't know the material, but I wanted to see how the author presented it. Still the class was fairly easy to teach. My boss had prepared homework assignments and solutions and there was a good test generator to make the tests. The only really challenging part was grading the labs, and that was mostly a motivational problem. All in all a good experience.